If a fear of being turned down keeps you from applying for your dream job, for instance, you could miss out on a life-changing opportunity. Similarly, not shooting your shot on Tinder because you’re afraid your matches won’t respond could keep you from some really exciting dates.
That’s where rejection therapy may help: By experimenting with relatively low-risk situations (like requesting a “burger refill,” which obviously doesn’t exist), you’re able to experience rejection in small, less mortifying doses, Martinez says. Over time, these little challenges can desensitize you to the sting of not getting someone’s approval, Dr. Chapman adds.
As you’re told “no” over and over again—and nothing horrible happens—you’ll start to realize that it isn’t as scary as you thought, he explains, and your brain will get used to managing the initial discomfort. This newfound resilience can then make it easier to take bigger risks in your life, like asking a fellow book club member if they want to grab coffee, or applying to that really prestigious graduate program.
Keep in mind, though, that for some people, this seemingly harmless exercise might actually hurt (not help) their mental health: “If someone’s social anxiety is so severe that it already prevents them from engaging with anyone—like they avoid going out in public—then rejection therapy might be too much, too soon,” Dr. Chapman says, especially without the guidance of a therapist. “We want to avoid a situation where we’re throwing someone who doesn’t know how to swim into the deep end of the pool, so to speak.”
How to try “rejection therapy” for yourself
Sure, scrolling through #rejectiontherapy on TikTok can give you some ideas of what to do. But if you want to ensure you reap the benefits—without overwhelming yourself or upsetting someone else—experts say there are some rules you should follow:
1. Start small.
One mistake a lot of people make, according to Dr. Chapman, is something called flooding, or exposing yourself to super intense triggers right off the bat. “This can make you so stressed or overwhelmed that you’ll be more avoidant of these types of social situations in the future,” he explains.
That’s why he recommends rejection therapy newbies start with manageable moves, such as asking a stranger at the mall for a breath mint, or seeing if the subway passenger next to you will play rock-paper-scissors. If these feel doable, you can work your way up to more daunting challenges, he says, like asking a stranger to Venmo you $100 and offering to pay them back later.
2. Remember to respect others’ boundaries.
Repeatedly bugging that poor Chipotle employee for a taco that isn’t on their menu will likely inconvenience (and perhaps enrage) them. And trying to take a spontaneous selfie with that person from your sweaty yoga class might be annoying at best and intrusive at worst.
It’s important to work on your social anxiety without making others uncomfortable, both experts say. On that note, “you should also stay away from requests that are even remotely sexual in nature and anything that involves touching someone, like hugging or kissing,” Martinez says. “Basically, try your best not to make the other person feel unsafe in any way.” (And speaking of safety and boundaries, it goes without saying that you should use common sense and avoid pushing anyone too far. You don’t want to piss off the wrong person.)
3. Afterwards, take a beat to self-reflect.
Post-rejection, your mind may race with thoughts like, Why the hell did I do that? God, everyone’s going to think I’m a freak! To stop yourself from slipping into an anxiety spiral, Dr. Chapman recommends taking a few minutes to reflect on what just happened.